Night-time musings

4:00. All’s quiet on the homefront. My wife never noticed my somewhat silent get-away (or the thud of my toe hitting the bed post). The yellow glow from the hallway nightlight beckons me to explore so I do. Behind door #1, the dog is sprawled out on my youngest son’s bed – or is it that my youngest son is actually just sprawled out on the dog’s bed? Some nights I can’t tell. Door #2 reveals what it usually does, that my eldest sleeps in Fort Knox. He’d never know if a burglar arrived at our house. At the end of the hallway, door #3 is open… music escapes from my middle son’s room. I look through his door… one leg hanging over his bed… arm flung over his head…about par for the course. I shake my head and smile.

It’s currently 59 degrees outside. The windows are open. The cool wafts across the floor. Perhaps autumn will make it here after all.

Night is a two-edged sword for me. Sometimes I resonate with Job who admitted, “nights of misery are apportioned to me.” (7:3) It is a miserable thing to awake and find that my subconscious mind has been at work berating me, bludgeoning me with a mixture of truth and lies. “You are 41, unemployed, and will never find another job! God won’t take care of you – you have to take care of yourself. Do you really think God knows what is going on in your life? Now get out there and take care of yourself and your family. Make it happen!” I try to will myself back to sleep but it is too late. In my less than lucid state, I hear what sounds like knocking, only to figure out that the adrenaline has kicked in and it’s just my heart pounding! So, I get up and take a walk through the house. “The Voice” follows me around. So does life’s pressures. I find myself crying out to God to put it all back into perspective for me. I need a Savior.

SOMETIMES though, most times – I enjoy the lonely times of night. I don’t enjoy missing sleep… I know that around 2:00 in the afternoon my eyelids will feel like they have 20 pound weights attached to them! I do enjoy the tranquility though. The quiet. The companionship.

Sometimes I feel as if deep is calling to deep – I ponder.
Sometimes I have a conversation with a Friend – I share.
Sometimes I hear nothing – I wait.
Sometimes I go outside and hear the declaration of God’s glory – I marvel.

I have no set routine. I just know when I’m up like this – God has something for me.

The Psalmist said in Psalm 42.8: “By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me.” I know that just as I sang over my boys when they were babies, God sings over me. Sometimes the night is the only time I can hear Him singing. It may not be convenient, but it sure is beautiful.

Life Questions/Grace Answers

Joy gushes, grief simmers, songs rise, relationships mature, mankind worships, wills submit, souls languish, and life reloads.  All of this and more takes place in the Psalms.  Emotional highs and lows are often expressed along with declarations of confidence in the midst of trying and overwhelming times.  That is why I enjoy reading the Psalms – especially when I am struggling or in need of some encouragement from God.   

One of the things I like about the Psalms is that its writers expressed their raw emotions in the midst of their personal crisis, yet always professed (and seemingly possessed) a steady and firm resolve to place their confidence in the Lord.  Their topsy-turvy emotions found equilibrium in the objective character of God, especially during times when they may have felt like He was anywhere to be found.  Perhaps you’ve been there?  I know I have.  I had a stretch several years ago where I was far from sure of what God was trying to do in my life and often felt as if His silence was deafening.  During that time, I journalled a bit about my feelings and began to write a poem – a personal psalm if you will.  From time to time, I will pull that poem out and re-read it.  I reminds me of God’s faithfulness in my life even when my life may not return the kind of faithfulness God has had for me.  I entitled it, “Life Questions/Grace Answers“ 

Where do I stand?
Where are the answers to the confusion that surrounds me?
Oh God, rest me securely in Your lush kindness,
Let me not falter or fall.
Help me to trust even when my soul feels empty,
When the well has all run dry.

How do I see beyond my circumstance?
How can my eyes conceive what is unseen?
Oh God, remove the blinder which masks my eyes,
Blow away the fog that has hemmed me in for so long.
Make me to see You in the details of life,
And let eternity take focus in the midst of my heart.

Who overwhelms me with the sight of lucent armies in the night sky?
Who humbles my humanity using the whisper of a newborn babe?
Oh God, rehabilitate my life so that I may shine ever brightly like a celestial light,
Reconstruct with Your creative power a new resolve to do Your will.
Make my life a canvas upon which to paint Your delight,
Each stroke a testimony to Your grace and transforming strength.

Why do I feel so lost in the presence of such a comforting Light?
Why am I so uncertain of the path You have ordained from the genesis of time?
Oh God, piece together the brokenness of my life,
And send peace to the puzzled fragments of my soul.
Consume me in your loving warmth that I might bask in Your glory and light,
Cradle me with Your affectionate and tender embrace.

What is the sound I cannot hear?
What is the melody that eludes the musician in my mind?
Oh God, unleash the symphony that flows from Your throne,
And loose the praise that swells within the hollows of my spirit.
Make me an instrument of resounding beauty,
Compose anew in me the lines which frame the song that is my life.

When will winter give way to Christmas?
When will buds of hope blossom into a harvest of faith?
Oh God, send gentle rains to cultivate a sure and certain trust,
To transform that small kernel concealed deep in the innermost part.
Calm the restless turmoil of my private thoughts and manners,
And settle me securely within Your prevailing will and purpose.

A Prayer for the New Year

Some of the greatest prayers I have ever read are by the Puritans. I don’t know who wrote this prayer, but it is a great prayer to say for the year ahead. I have updated the “thees” and “thous” but the rest remains the same. May God give to any of you who stop by this way a year that will be spent knowing and making much of our Lord.

“Length of days does not profit me except the days are passed in Your presence, in Your service to Your glory.

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides, sustains,
sanctifies, aids every hour,
that I may not be one moment apart from You,
but may rely on Your Spirit
to supply every thought,
speak every word,
direct every step,
prosper every work,
build up every mote of faith,
and give me a desire
to show forth Your praise,
testify Your love,
advance Your kingdom.

I launch my bark on the unknown waters of this year,
with You, O Father, as my harbor,
(with) You, O Son, at my helm,
(with) You, O Holy Spirit, filling my sails.

Guide me to heaven with my loins girt,
my lamp burning,
my ear open to Your calls,
my heart full of love, my soul free.

Give me Your grace to sanctify me,
Your comforts to cheer me,
Your wisdom to teach,
Your right hand to guide,
Your counsel to instruct,
Your law to judge,
Your presence to stabilize.

May Your fear be my awe, Your triumphs my joy.”

(From the Puritan Prayerbook, The Valley of Vision)